For seemingly far too long I have walked the halls of the Wilmot Cancer Center learning about organs that needed to be removed, MRI's that looked just a bit odd, and test results that could have been better. At each turn, Chick was there, providing support as she has done since we were both 20. But now, for the first time, she was the patient and I was the escort. It is incredibly hard to understand how the girl I met in college, who, with the exception of having 2 children had never spent the nite in a hospital, was going to die. Four months ago we were hiking on the shores of Lake Ontario, planning her bucket list adventures. Now, she lies next to me, in hospice, and I am faced with the fact that I will continue alone. I still cannot believe this occurred. NOBODY thought I would outlive her. It doesn't seem fair that I will.
So I begin a new chapter in life, this time without Chick - Anne - at my side. It is impossible to think about. (In time I will adjust, and it is this fact that also worries me.) While at the beach this summer Anne wanted to cool off in the car before we went to the snack bar. As I approached the car I noticed it was running, and I assumed she was getting ready to go for treats. She didn't pop out and greet me as I expected and when I opened the door heat rolled out. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was unsure if you could run the AC and the engine at the same time, so she turned the AC off. Already astonished by this, I was even more so when she turned and started walking down the pier instead of towards the snack bar. Questioning her she seemed fine but I was very concerned. Fine for 2 days, it then became a ritual of leaving faucets running, door open, lights on. Then, riding our bikes one day she suddenly wasn't behind me. I went back to look for her and found her about 1/2 mile away. Asking what was up, she told me she want back to find me. I had been in front of her. Call the Dr., explain what was going on and she is in an MRI in an instant. Suspected she had a glioblastoma and told me this is very scary stuff. Lives on the surface, but the tentacles dive deep very quickly. This one grew to the size of an orange in a year. These are often dismissed as "brain farts" (medical term), and if you were not in the oncologists line of work you wouldn't even think twice about it.
So once again, I relay this not for sympathy, but as a reminder to do those things in life that you have been putting off. Don't say you feel bad for me - tell me you are going to make that phone call, repair the damage, extend an olive branch, or in our context, take that trip. There literally might not be a tomorrow. I had already booked a condo in the keys for her 65th birthday this coming February. We were planning on the European river cruise (with Scandanavia!) next summer. I was gonna double upgrade the suite and everything.
Always assuming I would die first I was, at some point, going to take the lyrics to Mr. Townshend's "A Little is Enough" and place it in some clever way where she would find it after I was gone. Perhaps a wry smile and a tear or two. But that day is gone. So I'll place them here. If anyone can find a glimmer of their own live in these words, please act on it today. Please, today.
They say that love often passes in a second
And you can never catch it up
So I'm hanging on to you as though eternity beckon
But it's clear that the match is rough
Common sense's tell me not to try'n continue
But I'm after a piece of that diamond in you
So keep an eye open
My spirit ain't broken
Your love is so incredible
Your body so edible
You give me an overdose of love
Just a little is enough
I'm like a connoisseur of champagne cognac
The perfume nearly beats the taste
I eat an oyster and I feel the contact
But more than one would be a waste
Some people want an endless line that's true
But all I have to have's a little time with you
A smile sets me reeling
A kiss feel like stealing
Your love is like heroin
This addict is mellowing
I can't pretend that I'm tough
Just a little is enough
Just like a sailor heading into the seas
There's a gale blowing in my face
The high winds scare me but I need the breeze
And I can't head for any other place
Life would seem so easy on the other track
But even a hurricane won't turn me back
You might be an island
On the distant horizon
But the little I see
Looks like heaven to me
I don't care if the ocean gets rough
Just a little is enough
So I begin a new chapter in life, this time without Chick - Anne - at my side. It is impossible to think about. (In time I will adjust, and it is this fact that also worries me.) While at the beach this summer Anne wanted to cool off in the car before we went to the snack bar. As I approached the car I noticed it was running, and I assumed she was getting ready to go for treats. She didn't pop out and greet me as I expected and when I opened the door heat rolled out. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was unsure if you could run the AC and the engine at the same time, so she turned the AC off. Already astonished by this, I was even more so when she turned and started walking down the pier instead of towards the snack bar. Questioning her she seemed fine but I was very concerned. Fine for 2 days, it then became a ritual of leaving faucets running, door open, lights on. Then, riding our bikes one day she suddenly wasn't behind me. I went back to look for her and found her about 1/2 mile away. Asking what was up, she told me she want back to find me. I had been in front of her. Call the Dr., explain what was going on and she is in an MRI in an instant. Suspected she had a glioblastoma and told me this is very scary stuff. Lives on the surface, but the tentacles dive deep very quickly. This one grew to the size of an orange in a year. These are often dismissed as "brain farts" (medical term), and if you were not in the oncologists line of work you wouldn't even think twice about it.
So once again, I relay this not for sympathy, but as a reminder to do those things in life that you have been putting off. Don't say you feel bad for me - tell me you are going to make that phone call, repair the damage, extend an olive branch, or in our context, take that trip. There literally might not be a tomorrow. I had already booked a condo in the keys for her 65th birthday this coming February. We were planning on the European river cruise (with Scandanavia!) next summer. I was gonna double upgrade the suite and everything.
Always assuming I would die first I was, at some point, going to take the lyrics to Mr. Townshend's "A Little is Enough" and place it in some clever way where she would find it after I was gone. Perhaps a wry smile and a tear or two. But that day is gone. So I'll place them here. If anyone can find a glimmer of their own live in these words, please act on it today. Please, today.
They say that love often passes in a second
And you can never catch it up
So I'm hanging on to you as though eternity beckon
But it's clear that the match is rough
Common sense's tell me not to try'n continue
But I'm after a piece of that diamond in you
So keep an eye open
My spirit ain't broken
Your love is so incredible
Your body so edible
You give me an overdose of love
Just a little is enough
I'm like a connoisseur of champagne cognac
The perfume nearly beats the taste
I eat an oyster and I feel the contact
But more than one would be a waste
Some people want an endless line that's true
But all I have to have's a little time with you
A smile sets me reeling
A kiss feel like stealing
Your love is like heroin
This addict is mellowing
I can't pretend that I'm tough
Just a little is enough
Just like a sailor heading into the seas
There's a gale blowing in my face
The high winds scare me but I need the breeze
And I can't head for any other place
Life would seem so easy on the other track
But even a hurricane won't turn me back
You might be an island
On the distant horizon
But the little I see
Looks like heaven to me
I don't care if the ocean gets rough
Just a little is enough
