• Happy National American Red Cross Founder's Day (1881)! 🇨🇭🚑🏥

OT but fun - Sales and Scam calls

G

Guest

Guest
Despite being on the no-call list we get a half dozen unwanted pitches a day. Some are recorded, but many are a live person in an obvious call center.

A year ago, rather than simply hang up, I began channeling Gimli from Lord of the Rings and answering the phone by bellowing, in a deep guttural voice, “Baruk Khazad!” (“The Curse of the Dwarves!”)

This is usually followed by silence, and a dial tone. Sometimes they press on with the call sheet response

“Mester Mcraee, this is Steve with blahblahblah (in a Pakistani accent, babble of call center in the background)

OK, let’s play. I bellow back, even more loudly and now annoyed “Khazad ai-menu!” (“The Dwarves are upon you!”)

That usually does it. If they press on with the call sheet I get softer and ask, with a more querulous and personable tone, “Baruk?”

Only a couple of callers have gotten beyond “Baruk?”. One asked what language I spoke, and he apparently didn’t speak “Dwarvish” (bellowed with a tone of annoyed pride in response). One supposes that there is no “Dwarvish” response on the call sheet.

The best yet was some Indian sub-continent caller who got regally pissed. In Urdu or Hindi “Khazad ai-menu!” must mean something about “Your mother and my dog. . . .”

He screamed “YOU CAN GO AND F&*% YOURSELF” and slammed his phone down.

I laughed for hours.

Anyway, I have come up with a new way to answer unknown numbers on the phone, one that so far has produced nothing but immediate hang-ups.

In my best soothing FM radio voice:

“Hello, you’ve reached Mike & Mike, go ahead caller, you’re on the air”

Crickets.

A man has to have his fun.
 
I get lots of calls at work. I don't usually have any fun with them, just hang up. But yesterday I got a call that started with the familiar, "Is this Roy?" (Roy is my dad, shop name is Roy's Auto). After telling him, no, this is Alan, I hear a long pause followed by a loud yawn, to which I responded, "Sounds like you're having a rough day."

He said he was and that he needed to talk to someone for a while so I let him tell me a few bad jokes and then told him one of my own*. He seemed to cheer up a bit and said he'd do me a favor and take me off their call list. I think we both enjoyed the call.

The most low down dirty calls of this type I was unaware of until recently. Chinese restaurant moved in next door and we've become friends with the owner. He's been in the states for a long time but still struggles with the language a bit. Comes over one day asking if he could use my dad's credit card and will pay him in cash to reimburse. My dad asks what for and he says he got a call from the utility company saying he hadn't paid his electric bill and that they were going to shut off power in an hour unless they were paid by credit card over the phone. This is during the middle of the day when the place is full of people and he's busily occupied in the kitchen so he's pretty worked up and worried about power getting shut off.

Smelling a scam my dad told him to call the power company directly. He did so and found out there was no problem, the bill had been paid. He called the telemarketer back, told him he could go f*ck himself, and slammed down the phone. He's gotten these calls a few times since and loves telling them what they can go do with themselves before hanging up.

Pretty low down to be targeting ethnic restaurants who are owned by people who are likely to struggle with the language. If anyone deserves some verbal abuse over the phone it's them.

* Q: What's the difference between an erection and a Lamborghini?
A: I don't have a Lamborghini right now.

Alan
 
Alan Gage said:
* Q: What's the difference between an erection and a Lamborghini?
A: I don't have a Lamborghini right now.
Click to expand...

Still my favorite in that car ilk:

“What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW”?

“There’s only one prick in a BMW”
 
I followed Jerry's method once. It felt good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3aCL8PIOuM
There've been many annoying calls over the years, but very few now that we're unlisted.
Similarly there are those calls I hate where the other known person won't immediately identify themselves. I hate guessing games, intentional or otherwise. They may start with "So, how'd ya like the game the other night?! Think they'll make the play-offs?" or "Oh hi, how's it goin' eh? What are ya up to this weekend?" I draw a blank as to who it is at the other end of the line. After rummaging round my cranial attic looking to match names with voices it's all I can do to stop myself from yelling "WHO ARE YOU?!!" My grandson phoned once and immediately started a weird one-way conversation with "So, don't ya have FaceTime? You need to get it cause your Skype thing sucks." Perplexed and annoyed, I thought it was an unmotivated salesman with the worst sales pitch I'd ever heard. Just as I drew a deep breath to shout obscenities down the line he said "Uuuhh, grandpa, are you still there?" Phew! That was a close call.
The exception to this is my brother, who always jumps in as soon as I've answered with "mistaking me for a lady", such as "Hi Helga?" or "Good morning Betty!" or "Hello Dotty." I don't know why but this absurdity cracks me up every time.
 
Last edited:
I once received an unsolicited sales call, but my wit is much, much quicker than most callers.
Sensing immediately that this would be a high pressure sales scam, I answered very slowly, in a dim, monotone response..."I'm hungry". Of course the sales guy has a script to follow, as he tried, I interrupted, in the same slow, monotone delivery, "my uncle makes my lunch, but he stopped moving".
The sales call ended then and there!
My son was at my side, maybe 12 years old then...we still laugh about that day.
 
Until we dumped our landline last year we always kept one rotary dial phone because it emits no electronic signal an auto dialer can pick up, always answered that one at dinner time.
 
Long ago, I had my phone listed with my full first name... Beth. I would occasionally get calls that were, hmm, not just trying to sell me something, but "provocative." I'd just hang up. Once, I recognized the voice. He'd called before, at least a few times. It was during the day and I happened to be practicing. I'm a trumpet player. I played a little excerpt into the phone, just for him (The opening of Verdi's La Forza Del Destino). Then I hung up. He called back a minute later and asked how I'd like to have somebody do that to me? I just hung up. I didn't mention that I'd never asked him to call and pester me... . He never called back again.
 
Typically I'll let these calls go to the message system since we can screen calls with our new phone. That said, my brother in law, who has a lot of time on his hands, will engage these folks in conversation and really let's them go on about whatever it is they're trying to sell. After he's kept them on the phone for 15 minutes or more (did I mention he has time on his hands?), his stock reply is..."Well, my probation officer told me I should speak with him before proceeding with things like this. Can I have your number and call you back?" Apparently the usual response is a quick hanging up of the other line and he never hears from them again. Go figure...

That's all for now. Take care and until next time...be well.

snapper
 
Ever since I got a cordless phone with speaker on it I also play along and try to keep them going as long as I can. Like a competition with myself.... best was 25 minutes. The way I see it, if I'm still doing what I need to, with them rambling on in the background, that's 10 of 15 more people that they couldn't pester. I think they get paid by commission
Jason
 
"Well, my probation officer told me I should speak with him before proceeding with things like this. Can I have your number and call you back?"
Click to expand...

Somebody once told me that when telemarketers call him, before proceeding they must first give the right answer to a riddle. The riddle is weird, something about walking along a dark road and seeing two points of lights approaching in the distance... what are they? If the telemarketer is still there and guesses "a car", well, no, that's the wrong answer, it's an Audi. There's another chance to get it right with another riddle, and all kinds of car brands to choose from, depending on how long it goes on for.... it's a hard world out there, heck of a way to make a living.
 
Nothing is more important to a tribe, a community or a nation than a healthy economy.

An economy depends on selling products and services to one another. Sales people, since the memory of man runneth not to the contrary, have always been the catalysts of sales transactions. Phone solicitors are members of this valuable economic engine.

Phone sales people are husbands, wives, children and veterans, all trying to make a buck to support their families. They have kittens named Fluffy and puppies named Cuddles. They have hobbies like hunting, fishing, canoeing, woodworking, skiing and snow tenting. They work under straw bosses who clock their call and closing rates.

Phone solicitors are our fellow countrymen, our brethren, who face psychological rejection 99% of the time. As a former door-to-door encyclopedia salesman, I have great respect and empathy for them.

I buy their products and services if they meet my needs. Otherwise, I do unto them as as I would want done unto me.
 
Phone solicitation is the telephone version of unsolicited mail, paper or electronic. Valued advertising to some, junk to others.
I'm not bothered by the paper kind, though I wonder if the recycling system can truly keep up. The telephone type is bothersome, as it jumps all but one final barrier between me and the advertiser. I can pick up, or no. Firstly being unlisted has cut down these numbers from a dozen or more per day to maybe three a month. They're equipped with auto-speed-dialling of some sort I guess as they run down the listed phone numbers. Secondly we have call display on our landline handset. It allows us to "screen" calls to a certain extent. That's the reason I ditched my faithful friend the rotary. I miss that 50s-60s era contraption. Having a "party line" would fill me with ye olde tyme memories too. Up to a point. Where was I? Oh yeah, cutting down on the unsolicited sales pitches; I dislike them coming to our door also. Believe it or not I'm civil and patient to begin with, but please don't persist with pressure. Yes means yes, and no means no. If you persist past several pleading no thank you's then no means feck off. Yes, they're people too. Valued as part of our economy? Perhaps as much as that guy walking around dressed as a pizza out front of that store. Yes I feel for him/her. The boss not so much. Advertising dollars of the lowest denomination.
 
Last edited:
Glenn MacGrady said:
Nothing is more important to a tribe, a community or a nation than a healthy economy.

An economy depends on selling products and services to one another. Sales people, since the memory of man runneth not to the contrary, have always been the catalysts of sales transactions. Phone solicitors are members of this valuable economic engine.

Phone sales people are husbands, wives, children and veterans, all trying to make a buck to support their families. They have kittens named Fluffy and puppies named Cuddles. They have hobbies like hunting, fishing, canoeing, woodworking, skiing and snow tenting. They work under straw bosses who clock their call and closing rates.

Phone solicitors are our fellow countrymen, our brethren, who face psychological rejection 99% of the time. As a former door-to-door encyclopedia salesman, I have great respect and empathy for them.

I buy their products and services if they meet my needs. Otherwise, I do unto them as I would want done unto me.
Click to expand...

Seriously? Phone solicitors?

For starters we are on the no-call list, which is effectively a joke.

Fellow countrymen? At least half the human-on-the-other end solicitation calls we receive are from obvious overseas call centers. “Steve” with a Pakistani accent and the cubical babble in the background isn’t Musak. I really doubt that Steve is a member of my hunting, fishing, canoeing, woodworking tribe.

I am not begrudging “Steve” a job; I just don’t want to be part of it when I answer the phone.

Door to door? My home is out of sight of the road and there are two “No Trespassing” signs at the top of our dirt drive. I’m about to add a couple of these:

https://www.google.com/search?q=fun...ei=hyfIWOahM4XNmwGJir5g#imgrc=yA84zHJSj-IMcM:

I find it ballsy to drive down a No Trespassing dirt road to places unknown. Just move along and try the next house.

I have been saving a response for the next Jevohah’s Witness Watchtower peddlers who knock on my door. I’m gonna leer at them with my hand in my pants and ask “Ohhhh, are you the threesome I ordered?” Maybe they maintain a Do Not Call list.

I have yet to be offered a product or service that I needed or wanted, despite “winning” a free cruise vacation every week (which even if valid would be my idea of floating heck). A large portion of the calls we receive are obvious scams; “Steve” from Pakistan about a computer or program we do not own, scam charities, “return” calls about some product or service that we never requested, credit card or IRS scams, contacts that would never be initiated over the phone.

I’m all for do unto others. I just ask that they likewise do unto me.
 
On the lighter side of life...
I vaguely remember as a child having seen a couple of women come to our door. They left in a hurry, and I've always wanted to know why.
I grew up in a hand built clapboard bungalow with a hand dug well. Blue collared dad worked hard in a city factory while mom rolled up her sleeves pulled on work boots and got 'er done, as many women did of that and other generations. She did her level best to keep our house and home neat and tidy; muddy boots off at the back door, or only if needs must, the front door too. We might've been poor, I dunno, but who could tell? Food on the table and hand-me-downs on our backs, my brothers and I wanted for nothing. Fresh country air and many acres of farmland and forest as our playground. So it must've been a solitary walk down that long dirt road for those two witnessing women, but a pleasant one on such a fine summer's day. It being a saturday my parents were in their weekend work clothes, as usual; there were always chores to do in the garden, round the lawns, mowers and tillers to tinker with, and more common than not the car too. As sons we contributed too, although probably as much to the mayhem as the manual labour.
I remember sitting in shirt and shorts with no socks eating an early lunch, my brothers boisterously eating too. My parents let them in, as is neighbourly, but not being church-goers mom and dad had no time nor inclination to offer them tea and a sit down. Although we didn't live on a farm my brothers and I might as well have been barnyard animals for all the outdoor goofing off we did. I was probably halfway between mud puddle and jam sandwich in either direction, and like as not my brothers too. We herded to the front door to watch and wonder at these two intrepid interlopers, mouths agape and shirts all jammy. I can still recollect the look on their two faces, confusion and despair, pain and pity. The women left without a peep. Their plain cotton dresses starchily marching down the drive. My mom looked just as suitable in her jeans and paint spattered blouse. All mom and dad said was "Hmm? How 'bout that!?"
I'd like to have taken credit for scaring off the two well intentioned visitors. A nickel apiece wouldn't have gone amiss. Five cents in those days bought me a Popsicle, an easy bike ride away down at the general store. No shirt no shoes no problem.
 
Last edited:
Mike,

...I have yet to be offered a product or service that I needed or wanted...
Click to expand...

I don't know how detestable telemarketing may be in your neighborhood... here, there will sometimes be something better being offered in some goods and services, maybe in the way of telecom deals, bundling internet, phone and tv, which I have yet to take advantage of but still take the time to find out about the latest price break from the telemarketer. Real estate is where hot money is right now and cold-calling agents have info on how sky high prices are going. Insurance agents offer better prices and from reputable companies. I once got a call from someone trying to sell mining stock, like something out of The Wolf Of Wall Street, which could have been a scam, but interesting to hear nonetheless, in a pathetic sort of way. The Wolf Of Wall Street BTW is one of the best films I've seen in the last few years, and includes telemarketing worthless penny stocks. The absolute best telemarketing I've ever had was some female voice selling car insurance, and man alive, every time she called it was like getting phone sex.

I'm with Glenn on this... I worked next to a room full of telemarketers once and I wouldn't call them sleazy... they were forced into a lousy job for whatever reason and had to make some $$$, probably while looking for something better, otherwise regular sorts of people. Seventy percent of the economy depends on the consumer market so there's bound to be some scrambling over the competition to get at all those consumer $$$.
 
I refinanced my house as a result of a cold call from Loan Depot. The loan closed quicker and was cheaper than going to my local bank.

A friend of mine worked for as a telemarketer in the eighties and what he did was kinda sleazy.
 
One of my co-workers fell for a "truck load of tv's" scam.

His contact (who he never met) told him to meet in Manhattan over the phone with the cash, empty tractor trailer, at a set time to pick up a load of "hot" tv's.

My co-worker got caught in traffic and was an hour late.

Contact says too late, but come back next week, here's $50 for the George Washington Bridge tolls. (trust factor made)

Co-worker shows up next week with empty trailer, hungry for that load of tv's, contact tells him to back the trailer up to a loading dock, contact actually waves and talks to worker coming out of the warehouse.

Contact says he will be right out, wait for the door to open and we will load the TV's....oh, maybe you should give me the cash to show you are serious...these guys are taking a big chance and I need to show them you're ready to deal.

After a while nothing happens, co-worker goes into the warehouse and nobody knows what my friend is talking about- co worker out a few grand back in the 80's


`
 
This happens too frequently here, and usually I'm too busy with something or nothing to bother, but one day nibbled at the bait. Two smart dressed young men come to our door. "We're with xyz Gas. With just a quick inspection and pre-approval you could cut your bills in half." I look at his name tag and his clipboard and think maybe I'll play along. I usher them to the basement to see my nearly new furnace. Clipboard guy makes "copious notes" and "inspecting the furnace" while Nametag guy tries to engage me in pointless friendly chatter. Clipboard guy makes a quick visit to see my nearly new AC and all I have to do is sign on the dotted line, right here. I ask about the pre-approval while I wrestle the clipboard from him to read the fine print. "I see here that if the pre-approval doesn't come in I'll be on the hook for $435 per month? WTF is this?" He tells me not to worry, everyone gets approved. Fine, then let's just omit that detail and be done with it I say. "Um, no. Can't change the contract" he says. "Then you can't change my mind" I reply. More pitter patter chitter chatter from Mr Nametag in the corner "Nice place? You change the windows?" while perspiring Mr clipboard pressures some more for a signature, right here. I push every button for sample contracts for me to look over and think about, let's check out your company on Google while you're here, how about we phone your head office to pre-approve my pre-approval...all going nowhere. He...just...needs...my... John Henry...right here. I'm finally tired of my fun, and show them the door right there.
I was polite and always wore a smile, right up to the end. It was likely a slimy method to swindle/ sign up customers. There are worse pressure deals and scams taking advantage of vulnerable people. I read about it all the time. Unsolicited advertising is not the same as scams and cheats however. Most people are wary of this kind of thing, but some people are just so trusting. I work as a self-employed tradesman, and usually work with and through a grapevine of known and previous customers. Once in awhile though I am faced with a total stranger. And once in awhile I see the flicker of distrust pass across their face, and think "I don't blame you." I leave my card and contact numbers behind, and worry not. It's the lovely trusting ones that tug at my heartstrings, and cause me concern. They welcome me in with tea and cookies and with stories of their families and home. They're always an older generation, used to that once upon a time when we didn't lock our doors and knew we could look into someone's eyes for a sign of character. Two thoughts flood my mind and fill my soul in those moments; I'm gonna love working in this home, and I so want to protect this gentle old friend from the scammers and swindlers of this world. And in my business of nearly 30 years, I've yet to ever sign a contract. Eye to eye and a handshake. Those were the days.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top