I have seen campsite bears in the Adirondacks, but I've never seen any on God's Little (11) Acres -- my property.
So, I had put a bottle of Roundup under my bald cypress tree near a patch of poison ivy that I had sat in last month -- another testament to my crackerjack wilderness skills. I must've thought it was a bed of Irish shamrocks, or the clover to be rollin' in.
I was processing a ton or so of wood over by my dawn redwood before doing the poison ivy spray, and see a strange, big creature sniffing around the Roundup bottle.
A BEAR!!! About 20 yards or meters away from me.
I didn't have my 12 gauge Ithaca, for which I've never even bought any shells. I didn't have my bear spray, which is in my magic bus. I don't own bang sticks. I didn't have any bells or pots and pans to bang on. And this former NYC borough champion in the 100 yard dash is now so old, so out of shape, and so bone-hurting, that he can't run ten steps.
Was this going to be a fair fight? Or curtains?
Well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . I was sitting on this:
35 horses. A custom W.R. Long Ultra Jaws bucket loader, which opens 45" and can lift a one ton tree with bone crunching clamping force. A six foot wide brush hog that can blast 4" diameter trees into splinters in seconds. And I had my usual usual wood processing arsenal of two parang machetes, two Silky saws, and a fixed blade knife.
Let's look closer at my edged tools (cum weapons), because eventually I'm going to be doing write-ups on all of them, and others, as canoe camping tools.
On the custom Michelin radial R1W tire are three of my wood processing tools and, today, bear weapons:
-- Condor Duku parang machete with 15.5" blade, which is like a Japanese sword. Very good tree, branch and heavy brush cutter. More brute chopping force than the the Mini Duku because of the heavier weight and bigger, high velocity swing arc you can develop.
-- Condor Mini Duku parang with 10.5" blade. Very effective and safe for splitting campfire wood via batoning or tap splitting. Better than the longer Duku for close-in work in trees, brush and cane when you only have limited swing room. Both parangs are superior to an axe for limbing trees rapidly and safely. Coupled with a curved Silky folding saw, the Mini Duku is the chopping blade knife I'd take on canoe camping trips in lieu of a hatchet or small forest axe. Hatchets are less useful to me than a wood chopping machete, and I don't use felling axes for any purpose, either for my heavy wood processing property maintenance chores or my light wood processing chores on canoe trips.
-- The new curved blade Silky BIGBOY 2000 with the yellow handle. Curved blades cut better than their straight blade equivalents per Silky's own literature and numerous YouTube tests. The curved BIGBOY 2000 has a 14.2" blade and is the second most effective folding saw cutter in the world, per the Magic Bus Canoe ratings, and significantly outperforms my two 30" bow saws. I use the curved BIGBOY 2000 now instead of my chain saw, which, depressingly, has become too tiring for me to use for 10 minutes much less hours. Of course, I don't have to saw downed trees and branches too much when I can lift and carry most of them, unsawed or partially sawed, with my tractor's Ultra Jaws.
-- The new Silky ULTRA ACCEL curved blade, 240mm, with the partly red handle balanced on the fender light. This new curved saw outperforms Silky's older straight and curved models, and is the third most effective folding saw cutter in the world, according to many YouTube tests I've watched. With a 9.5" blade, the Silky curved ULTRA ACCEL is the saw I'll be taking on my future canoe camping trips, replacing the significantly inferior Bahco Laplander that I've used and liked for years. Paired with the Mini Duku parang and two different length Bark River fixed blade bushcraft/hunting knives, my canoe camping edged tool kit is now high end and complete.
-- My new Bark River Mini Aurora fixed blade and sheath hanging from the tractor's ROPS, which I was carrying as a neck knife today. 3.675" blade, 3.1 ounces. I've been completely won over to convex blade geometry since I began researching and buying knives four years ago.
Now . . . Back to THE BEAR.
I turned my tractor to face the ursine threat head-on. I opened the Ultra Jaws to maximum. I left the brush cutter running and lifted it and tilted it up as high as I could with my custom hydraulic valves. I revved the 35 horses. I pulled out the long Duku parang machete and brandished it with my right arm. I felt like John Wayne, in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, about to lead a cavalry charge against the enemy across Monument Valley.
I hit revved the engine noise hard . . . with crushing loader jaws agape . . . with pulverizing brush hog spinning death . . . with parang machete waving guillotine threats . . . and . . . unlike the Duke . . . I went slowly . . . backward . . . in reverse gear. John Ford won't be directing my charges.
After going about one foot, the bear looked up at me with indifference, knocked over my bottle of Roundup as if insulted, and disappeared into the heavy brush in the direction of my neighbor's yard.
I completed all my chores but was very wary the whole time. When poisoning the poison ivy, I placed the tractor between myself and the bear's brush path and had both machetes out. The mind changes, fears change, when you are old and alone, with no dogs and no family anymore. Just a spiritless and socially sundering cell phone, which I forgot to use to take pictures of the bear.
I'm thinking of buying some Brenneke slugs, breaking my shotgun's virginity and carrying it on my back acres, especially now that my dogs are all gone. Better safe than sorry. Some people say to put bird shot as the first load in the magazine for bear deterrence, followed by slugs if the shot doesn't scare it off. But I don't think a bear prowling around my town should just be scared off. When bears begin wandering into suburban neighborhoods, it's likely there's not enough wilderness space for them to forage and feed. They then become very dangerous pests. I'm of the opinion they should be put down, not wounded.
But, of course, I'm no John Wayne with a gun either.
I hope that beast at least gets poison ivy.
So, I had put a bottle of Roundup under my bald cypress tree near a patch of poison ivy that I had sat in last month -- another testament to my crackerjack wilderness skills. I must've thought it was a bed of Irish shamrocks, or the clover to be rollin' in.
I was processing a ton or so of wood over by my dawn redwood before doing the poison ivy spray, and see a strange, big creature sniffing around the Roundup bottle.
A BEAR!!! About 20 yards or meters away from me.
I didn't have my 12 gauge Ithaca, for which I've never even bought any shells. I didn't have my bear spray, which is in my magic bus. I don't own bang sticks. I didn't have any bells or pots and pans to bang on. And this former NYC borough champion in the 100 yard dash is now so old, so out of shape, and so bone-hurting, that he can't run ten steps.
Was this going to be a fair fight? Or curtains?
Well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . I was sitting on this:
35 horses. A custom W.R. Long Ultra Jaws bucket loader, which opens 45" and can lift a one ton tree with bone crunching clamping force. A six foot wide brush hog that can blast 4" diameter trees into splinters in seconds. And I had my usual usual wood processing arsenal of two parang machetes, two Silky saws, and a fixed blade knife.
Let's look closer at my edged tools (cum weapons), because eventually I'm going to be doing write-ups on all of them, and others, as canoe camping tools.
On the custom Michelin radial R1W tire are three of my wood processing tools and, today, bear weapons:
-- Condor Duku parang machete with 15.5" blade, which is like a Japanese sword. Very good tree, branch and heavy brush cutter. More brute chopping force than the the Mini Duku because of the heavier weight and bigger, high velocity swing arc you can develop.
-- Condor Mini Duku parang with 10.5" blade. Very effective and safe for splitting campfire wood via batoning or tap splitting. Better than the longer Duku for close-in work in trees, brush and cane when you only have limited swing room. Both parangs are superior to an axe for limbing trees rapidly and safely. Coupled with a curved Silky folding saw, the Mini Duku is the chopping blade knife I'd take on canoe camping trips in lieu of a hatchet or small forest axe. Hatchets are less useful to me than a wood chopping machete, and I don't use felling axes for any purpose, either for my heavy wood processing property maintenance chores or my light wood processing chores on canoe trips.
-- The new curved blade Silky BIGBOY 2000 with the yellow handle. Curved blades cut better than their straight blade equivalents per Silky's own literature and numerous YouTube tests. The curved BIGBOY 2000 has a 14.2" blade and is the second most effective folding saw cutter in the world, per the Magic Bus Canoe ratings, and significantly outperforms my two 30" bow saws. I use the curved BIGBOY 2000 now instead of my chain saw, which, depressingly, has become too tiring for me to use for 10 minutes much less hours. Of course, I don't have to saw downed trees and branches too much when I can lift and carry most of them, unsawed or partially sawed, with my tractor's Ultra Jaws.
-- The new Silky ULTRA ACCEL curved blade, 240mm, with the partly red handle balanced on the fender light. This new curved saw outperforms Silky's older straight and curved models, and is the third most effective folding saw cutter in the world, according to many YouTube tests I've watched. With a 9.5" blade, the Silky curved ULTRA ACCEL is the saw I'll be taking on my future canoe camping trips, replacing the significantly inferior Bahco Laplander that I've used and liked for years. Paired with the Mini Duku parang and two different length Bark River fixed blade bushcraft/hunting knives, my canoe camping edged tool kit is now high end and complete.
-- My new Bark River Mini Aurora fixed blade and sheath hanging from the tractor's ROPS, which I was carrying as a neck knife today. 3.675" blade, 3.1 ounces. I've been completely won over to convex blade geometry since I began researching and buying knives four years ago.
Now . . . Back to THE BEAR.
I turned my tractor to face the ursine threat head-on. I opened the Ultra Jaws to maximum. I left the brush cutter running and lifted it and tilted it up as high as I could with my custom hydraulic valves. I revved the 35 horses. I pulled out the long Duku parang machete and brandished it with my right arm. I felt like John Wayne, in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, about to lead a cavalry charge against the enemy across Monument Valley.
I hit revved the engine noise hard . . . with crushing loader jaws agape . . . with pulverizing brush hog spinning death . . . with parang machete waving guillotine threats . . . and . . . unlike the Duke . . . I went slowly . . . backward . . . in reverse gear. John Ford won't be directing my charges.
After going about one foot, the bear looked up at me with indifference, knocked over my bottle of Roundup as if insulted, and disappeared into the heavy brush in the direction of my neighbor's yard.
I completed all my chores but was very wary the whole time. When poisoning the poison ivy, I placed the tractor between myself and the bear's brush path and had both machetes out. The mind changes, fears change, when you are old and alone, with no dogs and no family anymore. Just a spiritless and socially sundering cell phone, which I forgot to use to take pictures of the bear.
I'm thinking of buying some Brenneke slugs, breaking my shotgun's virginity and carrying it on my back acres, especially now that my dogs are all gone. Better safe than sorry. Some people say to put bird shot as the first load in the magazine for bear deterrence, followed by slugs if the shot doesn't scare it off. But I don't think a bear prowling around my town should just be scared off. When bears begin wandering into suburban neighborhoods, it's likely there's not enough wilderness space for them to forage and feed. They then become very dangerous pests. I'm of the opinion they should be put down, not wounded.
But, of course, I'm no John Wayne with a gun either.
I hope that beast at least gets poison ivy.
Last edited:
