I'm sick of this cold weather. I've been getting sicker and sicker of it as every year passes. There's nowhere to canoe.
Canada. Phooey! There's a gazillion water bodies, but between the arctic weather and apocalyptic bugs, there's only about two reasonable months to canoe. During those two months, however, all the reasonably accessible canoe areas are crawling with tourist paddlers. Sure, if you're a millionaire, you can hire a 1930's float plane to fly to the land of permafrost and no trees, but who's a millionaire.
The USA is even more impoverished, if slightly warmer. The Northeast is too cold and buggy just like over-hyped Canada, but doesn't even have any forests anymore. Just a lot of Communists living close together.
The Midwest and Plains are all flat and corny with little interesting water, populated mainly by agrisexuals and knife worshipers.
The Rocky Mountains have a few whitewater rivers but nothing for the canoe tripper. No, no, no -- I refuse to count those few silty desert rivers that require payments to Big Brother to paddle and that, with repugnant voodoo, require you to pack out more crap than you packed in. Blechhhh!!!
California has nice weather and few bugs, but it's mostly whitewater rivers and fake lakes. Worse, all the fake lakes haven't had any rain this century, and they all look like flushed toilet bowls. Who wants to canoe trip in that kind of dreck.
That only leaves the Southeast as a reasonable place to canoe in the USA. There is water and -- before global cooling started in 1999 -- used to have warm weather. But there are bugs, bugs, bugs, snakes, snakes, gators, bugs, fire ants, snakes, gators, bugs, McDonalds. Yes, McDonald's. That's why canoeing sucks in the Southeast. There is no wilderness. You are rarely out of earshot of an interstate highway and never more than 3.14159265 miles from the nearest McDonald's or clone thereof.
There's no place in North America where you can find lots of water, warm weather all year, and the silence of wilderness.
How about Central America? Cripes, that's really the pits. It's too skinny to have any real rivers or decent lakes. And the people, egad! More than 90% of them have crossed the border illegally into the USA where they are lavished with OPM. The remaining population are mainly narcosexuals whose love, and use, of knives makes the Midwesterners look like Ghandi. Forget Central America.
Brazil -- that's obviously the place. The climate is warm. Google Earth shows lots and lots of water and woods. Nice beaches. A few Nazis, maybe, but they're too old now to bother canoeists. If I were young again, or if there is reincarnation, I would go to Brazil.
Canada. Phooey! There's a gazillion water bodies, but between the arctic weather and apocalyptic bugs, there's only about two reasonable months to canoe. During those two months, however, all the reasonably accessible canoe areas are crawling with tourist paddlers. Sure, if you're a millionaire, you can hire a 1930's float plane to fly to the land of permafrost and no trees, but who's a millionaire.
The USA is even more impoverished, if slightly warmer. The Northeast is too cold and buggy just like over-hyped Canada, but doesn't even have any forests anymore. Just a lot of Communists living close together.
The Midwest and Plains are all flat and corny with little interesting water, populated mainly by agrisexuals and knife worshipers.
The Rocky Mountains have a few whitewater rivers but nothing for the canoe tripper. No, no, no -- I refuse to count those few silty desert rivers that require payments to Big Brother to paddle and that, with repugnant voodoo, require you to pack out more crap than you packed in. Blechhhh!!!
California has nice weather and few bugs, but it's mostly whitewater rivers and fake lakes. Worse, all the fake lakes haven't had any rain this century, and they all look like flushed toilet bowls. Who wants to canoe trip in that kind of dreck.
That only leaves the Southeast as a reasonable place to canoe in the USA. There is water and -- before global cooling started in 1999 -- used to have warm weather. But there are bugs, bugs, bugs, snakes, snakes, gators, bugs, fire ants, snakes, gators, bugs, McDonalds. Yes, McDonald's. That's why canoeing sucks in the Southeast. There is no wilderness. You are rarely out of earshot of an interstate highway and never more than 3.14159265 miles from the nearest McDonald's or clone thereof.
There's no place in North America where you can find lots of water, warm weather all year, and the silence of wilderness.
How about Central America? Cripes, that's really the pits. It's too skinny to have any real rivers or decent lakes. And the people, egad! More than 90% of them have crossed the border illegally into the USA where they are lavished with OPM. The remaining population are mainly narcosexuals whose love, and use, of knives makes the Midwesterners look like Ghandi. Forget Central America.
Brazil -- that's obviously the place. The climate is warm. Google Earth shows lots and lots of water and woods. Nice beaches. A few Nazis, maybe, but they're too old now to bother canoeists. If I were young again, or if there is reincarnation, I would go to Brazil.
